so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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