the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
