how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
