it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
