I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
