turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
