is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
