I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
