I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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