Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
