What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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