So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
