rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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