now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
