More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We need to get me chipped asap
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
