i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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