And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
