guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
