I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
