just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
