remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
