I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
