I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he quoted the bible to break up with me
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
