I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
