I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
