Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Found the puke drawer
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
