As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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