my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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