Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
