respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
