apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
