yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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