Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
