my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
