Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
her facebook's as public as her vagina
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
