If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
