Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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