somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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