Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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