I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
