I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
