my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
