Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
