wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I want her autograph on my taint
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
