i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
