if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Randomize
