DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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