i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
