I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
