i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
