And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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