i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
